January 10, 2018

Realizations In The New Year

So, it's a little over a week into the new year and I've just come to the realization that I spent almost the entirety of 2017 focusing on other people. And that in doing so, I haven't truly taken time to take care of myself in almost a year. Which, as you can probably guess, has been a detriment on myself as a whole.

For months I've been trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and how to express it. And I just couldn't for whatever reason, which is so frustrating to me because of how normally articulate and verbal I am.

It hasn't been until this past week that I could truly express how I've been feeling for months.

Last Friday, the day after the East Coast was hit with that "bomb cyclone" or whatever other made up fucking name people are using for it, I was leaving to go to work and I ended up slipping outside of my building and hurting my shoulder. Instead of staying home and taking care of myself I went to work, and while at work I ended up having to deal with some complete and utter bullshit from Administration. So by the time I got home I was just mentally and psychically exhausted. Like I couldn't even take my snow boots off, Justin had to do it for me. And as he was helping me, I just looked at him and said "I've felt like a wounded animal backed into a corner all day..."

Then this past Sunday I had to deal with an ongoing issue I've been having with an individual. And in dealing with the person and the issue, I ended up betraying myself for the greater good. Which caused me to have the most visceral reaction (Tears, shaking. You would have thought someone died, and Justin did).

Because of the intensity of the reaction I had, I just couldn't pull myself together all day. And at one point while Justin and I were out grocery shopping, I ended up snapping at him (Which he did not deserve) and barking that I've spent almost a year taking care and doing things for others and neglecting myself.

In that moment I finally realized what was wrong. And it was such a simple, stupid thing that I would have recognized in anyone else right away.

Since having my realization I've decided that I need to take care of myself in order to be any good to anyone else that I might need to take care of also. Because I know I'm never going to stop taking care and helping the people that I love.

Thus, 2018 is going to be about taking care of myself first and foremost so that I can be the best version of myself for me and everyone else that I care about.

What does this mean for my blog? I'm actually going to try to be around more because blogging helps me focus and channel my energy.

So, thank you for sticking with me and supporting me year after year. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of you.

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